A Harsh Critique

So, I was chatting with D.W. Dixon and we agreed to exchange harsh critiques of each other’s work. I would really like to get into giving out harsh critiques, especially in exchange (altho I won’t turn down money) so I’m thrilled at the prospect, and open to others.

Please keep in mind this is meant to be a harsh critique, not a compliment sandwich with a little mild suggestions thrown in. And I’m not critiquing spelling!

So here goes, critiquing:

The Buchanan Brothers and the Botanical Bandits (Serial)

1. Ok, why is this called an ‘Introduction’ when it is clearly a prolouge?

2. “The figure emanated a green light, and he caught a glimpse of brass gears and metallic joints in his flashlight’s beam.

   “Is this some kind of cyborg?” he thought as he gaped at the glowing, hulking figure before him, his heart racing in sudden fear.”

   1. I don’t like this, but I’m having a problem figuring out why. I think first of all, it is because it hovers between being described (a cyborg) and not described (glimpse of…). I think it needs more transition to do that. More emerging arms and legs or wheels or whatever.

   2. It seems odd he jumps right to ‘cyborg’ instead of the more natural ‘robot’.

   3. Kill the ‘he thought’ and start with ‘gaped’… “He gaped at the… sudden fear, “Is this…”

3. “and that a green glow was rapidly filling the alley behind him.” He’s facing the wrong way! One doesn’t see a glow filling an alley behind one. One hears noises behind one, one sees lights *coming from* behind one, one feels taps on the shoulder from behind one but, the eyes being what they are, one does not see behind one. Well, usually.

4. “"Morning, gentlemen," Brian said, "Can I help you?"“ Ok Mr Security guard, what’s with the relaxed attitude? Are you asking to be bonked on the head from behind by a robot? IE his attitude here seems to casual for ‘I caught someone where they shouldn’t be.” Perhaps have him explain his attitude internally.

5. “tartled by the sudden glare of the bright light.” POV violation. He sees them move, but he has to assume they were startled.

6. “Brian made his round and carefully” POV change without warning. How about a little scene break with — or something?

7. “Unknown to him, tonight would be very different.” breaks POV

Conclusion

Well, that’s probably enough. Any more and the poor slob will probably commit suicide :)

Seriously I enjoyed it. I think my biggest complaints would be POV. When we get sort of inside the head and are getting wrapped up in one character, it can be jarring when the narrator throws something in that the character, themselves, wouldn’t know. Or when we switch to another character without any hint.

And, I know I promised I wouldn’t be too encouraging, but I really did like this selection. I’m looking forward to reading more. And I repeat, I am willing to do this kind of things… a lot… with anyone that is interested in exchanges. (Or paying me, if that’s what you’re into.)

---

Thank you for reading Von’s Substack. I would love it if you commented! I love hearing from readers, especially critical comments. I would love to start more letter exchanges, so if there’s a subject you’re interested in, get writing and tag me!

Being ‘restacked’ and mentioned in ‘notes’ is very important for lesser-known stacks so… feel free! I’m semi-retired and write as a ministry (and for fun) so you don’t need to feel guilty you aren’t paying for anything, but if you enjoy my writing (even if you dramatically disagree with it), then restack, please! Or mention me in one of your own posts.

If I don’t write you back it is almost certain that I didn’t see it, so please feel free to comment and link to your post. Or if you just think I would be interested in your post!

If you get lost, check out my ‘Table of Contents’ which I try to keep up to date.

Thanks again, God Bless, Soli Deo gloria,

Von