Harsh Critique: The Founder's Chosen: Sequence
So I named my Sci-Friday posts ‘review posts’. What I meant was that I was going to look at everything published and put it in a list. What some people seem to think I meant was that I was going to be busy reading other’s stories and writing reviews.
So I thought… why not? But I write harsh reviews or, as I call it here, harsh critiques. My hope is that it will be useful to the author.
So, all that to say that this is a review/critique post of the post ‘The Founder’s Chosen: Sequence 01 Chapter 01.’
Random Comments
Ok, so my first comment is that it was hard to find the ‘first’ chapter. Substack doesn’t handle it well, so it is up to us authors to point our readers in the right direction. I found this chapter eventually, and it seemed like a ‘first’ chapter. Ditto moving to the next chapter.
Then when I got there I found it had a dark background. I don’t hate that as much as some do, but it is hard on the eyes. But I found I could switch that out by going to ‘Substack Reader’.
Now, I don’t do spelling but… ‘anchorage’ should be capitalised, it’s a ‘capital’ ship not a ‘capitol’ ship, and a ‘millimeter’ not a ‘millmeter’. Unless language has changed.
Which I would have liked to have seen more of. Language change, that is. Hundreds of years in the future and very few new words etc.
So in the line, “swaying nudity vs spinal augments,” the terms are not parallel and the line needs commas, and I don’t do puncutuation. Or a colon.
(By parallel I mean, “He saw adds for shoes, socks, and bicycles”… those three things are all things for sale. Or, “He saw adds with children on bicycles, dogs hats, and swaying nude females”… which are all what is in the add. But his example combines one example of what an add is for (selling spinal augmentation) and one of what the picture was (nudes).)
In the line, “on a warship that size and nothing else going” the ‘and’ should be a ‘but’. It is saying that the warship had one good thing (lots of torpedoes), *but* nothing else. But is a contrast word.
I think I understood his line, “fill the gap”, but I think it would be good to explain more for non-hyper-military folks. What I think that this means is that normally a navy would need some big ships for certain jobs. This navy didn’t havy any, so they were forced to use lots of these ‘hammer’ ships.’
define for non military
He wrote:
»on her left hip and a sidearm in the gunslinger’s holster over her belt buckle.
I’m wondering if he is going to deal with or ignore problem of women in military.
So, I really didn’t like this scene, and its follow up scenes. I might be brought to like it:
»“You don’t salute someone unless they are in uniform because you’re saluting the rank, not the person,”
This happens again and again on this ship. Is this poor training? Or just an excuse for a data dump? Are we assuming that this future military will have the same rules as we have now deep in the future? Sid the romans do this?
So, like, what is going on? Everyone failed basic??
»“Sir, do you have any bags I can assist you with?”
And leave her post?
>so I get that you love this life
Get or guess??
General Comments and look toward the Future
Ok, so I read through the whole thing, which I don’t usually do. There are some interesting things, but some things which seem to be just straight cliche.
The whole ‘prejudice’ thing seems just cliche, and everyone seems to be acting stupidly about it. The new captain doesn’t seem to be listening and investigating, just reacting with prejudice. How does he know how these people behave? Do they act just like everyone, or is there something going on with them? Did he really just ignore the wisdom of the highest rank noncom on his ship?
And a noncom should know well enough to keep things under wrap, under cover, and out of his commanding officer’s sight. He should know full well that a new commander might be ignorant and stupid about local conditions… he’s probably seen it a dozen times before.
I like the idea of being without capital ships and having to replace them with some other class. That kind of military situation usually makes for good reading eventually.
I dislike the foul language used, and would probably stop reading because of it. I always wonder if people think they are gaining or losing readers with it.
But, it was fun to read the beginning of a story. It will be interesting to see where it goes
.
Thank you for reading Von’s Substack. I would love it if you commented! I love hearing from readers, especially critical comments. I would love to start more letter exchanges, so if there’s a subject you’re interested in, get writing and tag me!
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If you get lost, check out my ‘Table of Contents’ which I try to keep up to date.
Von also writes as ‘Arthur Yeomans’. Under that name he writes children’s, YA, and adult fiction from a Christian perspective. His books include:
The Bobtails meet the Preacher’s Kid
and
Arthur also has a substack, and a website.
Thanks again, God Bless, Soli Deo gloria,
Von