Marriage Killers and the Christian Marriage

So, John Williams over on ‘Cheaper than Divorce’ proposes four ‘marriage killers’ that, in his opinion, tend to, well, kill marriages. He lists these killers as:

1. Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4. Stonewalling

Now, he goes over these pretty well, and I think they are important. But as I read his article I got to thinking about what Scripture says about marriage, and what ‘marriage killers’ would look like from a Christian standpoint. What does the gospel say about marriage, what do the Scriptures say about what our marriages should look like? And what can we do wrong in our marriage, that would qualify as a ‘marriage killer’?

And what happens to these four marriage killers if put in the context of a Biblical marriage?

Hierarchy

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

Ephesians 5:22-30

The first point I wish to make is that the Biblical marriage is hierarchical. In a Biblical marriage the husband leads, and the wife follows. Marriage is not an issue of two equals fighting it out for supremacy, but of two steps in a Godly heirarchy.

What does that mean for these marriage killers?

Criticism

In the context of herirarchy, criticism looks very different. For the wife to be critical of her husband is to be in rebellion. For the husband to be critical of his wife is a failure in leadership.

A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.

Proverbs 19:13

We hopefully all know the phrase ‘the buck stops here’. What does that mean in a situation of Godly leadership? It means that the failures of the wife are the responsibility of the husband. It is literally his job to see, analyse, communicate, and deal with her failures. To take responsibility for them.

It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.

Proverbs 25:24

And for the wife, the opposite applies. Her role is to submit, not to criticise. A critical spirit in a wife should be something she is watching out for, and eliminating from her behaviour.

Contempt

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Ephesians 5:33

Likewise contempt. The wife who is submitting to her husband is called to ‘reverence’ him. The husband is called to love his wife. Neither of these can support ‘contempt’.

Defensiveness

Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.

Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;

Romans 12:9-10

The husband who is properly leading will be able to listen to his wife, secure in the knowledge that, he having listened, she will submit to his leadership. This attitude eleminates defensiveness.

And to the same extent, although for a very different reason, the wife who is seeking to do her husband’s will will hear his instructions with eagerness, not defensiveness.

Stonewalling

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

I Peter 3:6

Now I must say that the definition that he uses for stonewalling is different than any I have heard before, so it is worth repeating:

Stonewalling occurs when one [spouse] disengages from an interaction, either physically, emotionally, or both. This withdrawal often happens during a conflict when one partner mentally “checks out” or shuts down, making it difficult to continue the conversation effectively.

The first problem here is that the two are having a ‘conflict’. But the very fact that they are having a conflict means that one, or both, of the spouses is not acting in accordance with the Biblical marriage pattern.

For the wife, being in a ‘conflict’ typically means that you are not being obedient. If you are in ‘conflict’ it (usually) means that your husband has given direction… and you don’t like them. You wish to argue against them. Indeed, you probably are arguing against them!

Conclusion

I am not, in this post, trying to lay out the be all and end all of marital relationships. I am trying to get my audience to take a step back from a post such as ‘marriage killers’ and ask themselves if there is a Biblical foundation missing from the advice. If the advice does not stand on Biblical grounds.

We cannot merely spout words like ‘defensiveness’ and fail to take account of the relationship that the word is being used to describe. A child can be ‘defensive’ when ‘defending’ his disobedience. And we need to realise that the problem is not ‘defensiveness’ but ‘disobedience’. That the defensiveness is part of the disobedience.

If marriage is a partnership of equals, then marriage advice will take a certain direction. If, on the other hand, marriage is a fundamentally hierarchical relationship… then the advice should look very, very different.

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Thank you for reading Von’s Substack. I would love it if you commented! I love hearing from readers, especially critical comments. I would love to start more letter exchanges, so if there’s a subject you’re interested in, get writing and tag me!

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Von also writes as ‘Arthur Yeomans’. Under that name he writes children’s, YA, and adult fiction from a Christian perspective. His books are published by Wise Path Books and include the children’s/YA books:

The Bobtails meet the Preacher’s Kid: A Christian historical fiction chapter book about four orphans who go to live with their aunt on a dairy farm.

The Bobtails and the Cousins: The sequel to Preacher’s Kid. The aunt has married, and the cousins come to visit. Meaning town kids dealing with chores and manure and…

The Bobtails go to France: The sequel to cousins. The Bobtails, and Preacher’s Kid, get to take a trip to New York, London, Paris, and a small town in France. To get some cheese.

and

No Ordinary School: A brilliant but socially clueless boy gets recruited for a special school. Where he makes a lot of money, gets a girl, and solves a mystery.

As well as GK Chesterton’s wonderful book, “What’s Wrong with the World”, for which ‘Arthur’ wrote most of the annotations. The book is a series of essays on how modern politics has gotten the wrong prescription for the wrong diagnosis.

Arthur also has a substack, and a website. On the substack you can listen to some of his published books. Free.

Thanks again, God Bless, Soli Deo gloria,

Von

Links

Four Marriage Killers