What is Marriage #4B

Marriage is a covenant

Brethren, I speak after the manner of men; Though it be but a man’s covenant, yet if it be confirmed, no man disannulleth, or addeth thereto

So, Andrew hasn’t yet gotten tired of our letter exchange about marriage. If you are just arriving at this post, I encourage you to go back and read all of the letters we have exchanged so far.  Some of this discussion won’t make sense unless you do. I also encourage everyone to comment or even propose other letter exchanges.

Our conversation so far has included:

What Is Marriage #1A (Dad Explains) Questions on what marriage is / How marriage has changed / Legal vs. Religious Questions

What Is Marriage #1B (Von) Asked and answered “Is Marriage Real?”

What Is Marriage #2A (Dad Explains) Expands on marriage being real within the framework of “names” or nomenclature.

What Is Marriage #2B (Von)  Marriage is a sexual union. That’s not all it is (by a long chalk), but that is its core.

What is Marriage #3A (Dad Explains) Asks the question, “Is marriage solely about children or are children a critical part of marriage itself?” and raises the spectre of infertile couples.

What is Marriage #3B (Von) “Marriage is… ordained by God for the purpose of producing a Godly seed…”

What is Marriage #4A (Dad Explains) Andrew summarises a bunch of his thoughts and adds several aspects 

Now for this post, I would like to deal with another incredibly fundamental part of the definition, namely, that marriage is a covenant. I would also like to thank Andrew, again, for giving me such wonderful opportunities to post Scripture. I would even encourage him to post a little more of his own.

Definition

Marriage is a permanent covenant to exclusive[4] sexual[3] union between a man[1] and a woman[2] that has been and is being consummated. It was ordained by God for the purpose of producing a Godly seed, in order that man should take dominion; to which end the woman is his helpmeet, and their children are arrows.

Genesis 6:18  But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee.

The concept of ‘covenant’ is one of the most important concepts in Scripture. From the beginning of Scripture till the end, we read of covenants. The first time we hear the word is when God makes a covenant with Noah, stating that He will never destroy the  Earth again. And the last time, at least the way we have our Scriptures organised, is when God is talking about the New Covenant ushered in by Christ.

Between there the word is used 292 times by my count and one of the things it is used for is the issue of marriage.

Definition vs Obligations

Covenants include several very important aspects. Two of these we might describe as ‘definition’ and ‘obligations’. A covenant must have a definition: it covers this and not that. The covenant with the rainbow had nothing to do with how gophers build their tunnels… except that they, too, wouldn’t be destroyed in a global flood

When discussing marriage we need to make a distinction between what is defining in marriage (what *is* marriage) and what is obligated in marriage (what should married people do, how should they behave); versus the various other emanations and penumbras that might describe marriage. So if you have a friend that lives next-door, and you are extremely supportive of one other, and you call each other companions, and you see each other pretty much every day and really enjoy spending time with each other… that doesn’t make your relationship a marriage. So while marriage books and descriptions are free to speak of companionship, and spiritual leader ship, and mutual support… and all of those are important… they don’t necessarily *define* marriage.

When one speaks of marriage being an exclusive sexual relationship, this is to separate it from the good times that you have with your buddy next-door. Marriage is the only legitimate sexual relationship, and so if you’re having sex with someone, then you’re either married to them or you’re not married to them. If you’re not married to them, then the sex that you were having is illegitimate, and if you are married to them, then the sex that you were having is not only legitimate it is required.

Or to put it another way there can be no such thing as a platonic marriage. 

Similarly, when it comes to the issue of a godly, seed, the question is one of obligation. If a couple states that they are going to be married but they’re not going to seek children is that a marriage? Or is it merely a marriage in which they are violating their obligations?  Certainly it isn’t a marriage where they are fulfilling their obligations!

So the point is that covenants are not mere agreements. Covenants have obligations and covenants have definitions. When we define marriage we need to include both of those in our definition. So there are things that you might call marriage that aren’t actually part of the definition, and things that you may do in marriage that aren’t actually part of the obligations.

This doesn’t necessarily make those bad things, but it does mean that they aren’t part of the covenant of marriage. So, for example, if there is a man and a woman on a south sea island, and we are wondering whether they are married, we need to look at the biblical definition and obligations and see whether they fit the definition and are acting according to the obligations. It may be that in that culture several of the things that we consider part of marriage in our society are not actually part of what they do in marriage, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t legitimately, married and legitimately fulfilling, their obligations in God’s eyes.

There is, for example, a huge, enormous, really big difference between being involuntarily barren, and being intentionally barren. An incredible difference between a man and a woman who are having sex like bunnies, but who are unable to conceive; and a man and a woman who are doing their absolute best to make sure that the woman won’t conceive. Far from falling into the same camp, these fall into diametrically opposite camps.

Parties

Probably one of the most important misunderstood issues in this issue of the covenant of marriage is who is involved. The common view, or at least the commonly expressed view, is that it is the man and the woman alone who are involved in the covenant. On a brief but important note, we should mention that it is also the entire community that is involved in the covenant. The covenant of marriage is one of the bedrock of society, and we frequently acknowledge this in the way, that we treat weddings, where we deliberately invite witnesses and perform the rites in front of everyone.

But the most important party to a marriage is… God.

1) God created the relationship of marriage itself.

Genesis 2:21-25  And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

2) God is the creator of each particular marriage.

Matthew 19:6  Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

3) God is the one who put in place the definition and obligations of marriage.

1Corinthians 7:5  Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

4) God is the one to whom we are each responsible for the carrying out of our marriage.

Malachi 2:14  Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.

5) God gives the blessing of marriage, specifically the blessing of the womb and the breast.

Genesis 30:2  And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb? So when we think of marriage as a covenant, it is to God that our thoughts should turn first.

6) God is the one who will reward or punish us for how we behaved in our marriages.

Genesis 38:9  And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Specifics

Whether we see each of these as an obligation or part of the definition, here are the various aspects I am bringing forth as an answer to what is the covenant of marriage:

1) It is permanent

2) It is sexual

3) It is a union

4) It is between a man and a woman

5) It has been and is being consummated

6) It was ordained by God

7) It has the purpose of producing a Godly seed

8) Which itself leads to man taking dominion

9) For which purpose woman was created as his helpmeet

10) And for which purpose children are arrows

So whenever we speak of marriage, we imply the above things as either definition or obligation. Or, perhaps, both.

Marriage is a sexual union. That is part of the definition. Indeed it has been often held that a marriage in which sex has never occurred is no marriage at all. But sex in marriage is obligational. God has commanded us to rejoice with each other sexually.

That marriage consists of the sexual union of a man and the woman is definitional. Nothing else is marriage. That marriage is God ordained and God created is definitional. Nothing else is marriage. But the man and the woman are obligated to seek a Godly seed, they aren’t unmarried until they produce them.

When we realise that marriage is a covenant, we should, at the same time, realise that we will, one day, stand before God and give account of what we did, and how we did.  That we married, or didn’t marry, and how we behaved in our marriages.

I would like to leave Andrew, and my audience, with a question. When he looks at Scripture, which of the marriages does he see as being good ones? And what is written to make him believe that? Which ones does he see as bad? And where is that written?

I love comments and debates, especially intelligent ones.

[1] By ‘man’ I mean, for the purposes of this definition, a human being with XY chromosomes, all appropriately male primary and secondary sexual characteristics, who accepts and applies the ‘male’ role in his society. The definition of marriage might apply to someone who does not fully fit all of this description, but I am not addressing those edge cases here.

[2] By ‘woman’ I mean, for the purposes of this definition, a human being with XX chromosomes, all appropriate female primary and secondary sexual characteristics, who accepts and applies the ‘female’ role in her society. The definition of marriage might apply to someone who does not fully fit all of this description, but I am not addressing those edge cases here.

[3] By sexual I mean, at the very least, “frequent vaginal intercourse between a man[1] and a woman[2].”

[4] In saying ‘exclusive’ I do not mean to say that a man cannot have two or more wives. There are many examples of that in Scripture and that issue is very complex. I do mean to say that neither a man nor a woman can legitimately have sex with anyone except someone they are married to. (Thanks to Russ for pointing out this issue.)