What is Marriage #6B

Marriage is Leadership, Marriage is Jurisdiction

Ok, so I had a big debate with myself as to what to subtitle this post. I thought first of calling it, “Marriage is not Compromise”. But, no, that’s too confrontational and, besides, it isn’t strictly true. So then I thought of ‘Marriage is Patriarchy’ but, while true, no one today understands what Patriarchy really is, so I would have to spend most of the post just doing that.

So I settled on “Marriage is Leadership, Marriage is Jurisdictions”. They have to go together because when reacting to the idea that ‘Marriage is Compromise’, it takes both of these other concepts to answer the issue.

This post is obviously in answer to Andrew’s latest post, and you should read it, and his questions to me at the end were:

Von, as we continue this enlightening journey, I'd love to hear your thoughts on compromise. How do you see it playing out in the daily dynamics of a marital relationship? And how can couples ensure that compromise strengthens rather than diminishes their bond?

My answer is to point out that Marriage is not compromise. Marriage is leadership, and marriage is jurisdictions, but, it is true, their combination may tend to look a lot like compromise… if one does not look below the surface and behind closed doors.

Marriage is Leadership

Jos 24:1-2a  And Joshua gathered all the tribes of Israel to Shechem, and called for the elders of Israel, and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers; and they presented themselves before God. And Joshua said unto all the people…

Jos 24:14-15  Now therefore fear the LORD, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the LORD. And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell:

but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

“As for me and my house…”. Some of the most famous words in the Bible… and very, very relevant to the question of ‘compromise’. In Galaxy Quest we heard the quote, “Never give up, never surrender’, to which I would add the words ‘never compromise. But never compromise what?

When one is a leader what one must never compromise is the overall goal of the enterprise. Here Joshua plainly lays out the goal of the Christian family (and what should be the goal of every family) namely ‘to serve the Lord’.

One does not compromise with God. You either do what you are told, or you rebel. Similarly when one is given a goal by God, He does not intend for you to compromise that goal with anyone else. You don’t get together a meeting with God and Satan and say, “Look, guys, let’s work out a win-win situation here.” You serve God, you resist the devil. End of message.

Job 2:9-10 Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.

 But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.

And it makes no difference, at all, who the other person is. Specifically when the other person is your wife… you still stick to your goals, your God-given goals.

1Co 11:3  But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Eph 5:22-24  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ,

so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

And there is no question that the husband, and the father, is the leader who is required to exercise leadership over his family. There is also no question that the wife is required to exercise leadership over the family, under the husband.

So marriage is leadership, and leadership is not compromise. The goals of the leader are to be to carry out the commands of  God, without hesitation or compromise.

Marriage is Jurisdictions

Rom 13:7  Render therefore to all their dues:

tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honour to whom honour.

But marriage is also jurisdiction. In marriage, the husband and the wife (and the children, but I won’t be addressing them here) each have their own, God-given, jurisdictions. They each have roles that they are responsible to be carrying out and, under that role, they can, and should, be making decisions.

I am posting without comment several passages that speak, at length, of the important jurisdictions of the wife.

Pro 31:10-31  Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.  She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

Pro 31:28  Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Tit 2:1-6  But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:

That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.

aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands,

that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded.

1Co 7:4-5  The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again,

that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Leadership is knowledge

Jos 2:1  And Joshua the son of Nun sent out of Shittim two men to spy secretly, saying, Go view the land, even Jericho. And they went, and came into an harlot's house, named Rahab, and lodged there.

It is a fun joke to make fun of the words ‘Military Intelligence’, and to mock it as a contradiction in terms. But it is no laughing matter to look at pretty much every battle, and certainly every war, that has ever existed and realized that the lack of information is the bane of the military. In order to make good decisions, to move the right unit to the right place at the right time, you have to have good information.

It is the same in a good marriage. When the husband wishes to excercise his God given responsiblity of leadership, he cannot do it merely sitting in his armchair and issuing orders. He has to have information. He has to find out, from his wife, and his children, and his own eyes and ears, what is going on. And he has to know God’s Word so he can determine what should be going on.

Luk 11:11-13  If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

And part of that learning will be to learn the desires of those under his authority.

When a wife wishes to carry out her God-given responsibilities of managing the house, one important feature in that must be to find out not only the details of what is going on in the house, but also the desires of those under her authority, and her husband, over her in authority. If she has the responsibility, and budget, to buy a new washer/dryer combination she will, if she is wise, consider price and functionality. But when she looks at the color, she will also consider the other people in the house who will have to look at the hot pink monstrosity she is thinking of buying!

What price a father who, wishing to reward his children, offers to take them to the local salad bar? (Unless, of course, they are the type who like salad. I have heard that such creatures exist.)

A View from the Outside

1Pe 3:7  Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Now let me admit that, from the outside, a whole lot of the work of Godly marriage will look a whole lot like ‘compromise’. Take the following example:

Husband: Hey, Darling, I thought I would take you out to eat tonight. I chose the restaurant last time, your choice this time. Where would you like to go?

Wife: Olive Garden.

Husband: Great

Now, that looks like compromise, no?  Husband getting to pick one time, wife the next?

But what lies under that? What issues of budgeting? What issues of diet?

And, and this is where I really want to focus our thoughts, what of issues of leadership?

Our world has a devastatingly false view of leadership. It basically says that the options are either not to lead, or to be autocratic. To either ‘do things all your way’, or ‘give up the reigns’. This is not only false, it is heretically false. It is a flat-out denial of basic Christian doctrine.

Does God ‘give up the reigns’ or does He ‘act autocratically? Or… as all of my audience hopefully rejected those two possibilities out of hand… does he act ‘lovingly’?

Unfortunately, we have to play out the same exercise with the word ‘love’, because far, far too many people think that to ‘act lovingly’ is to ‘give the person whatever they want’. But as we learn from Scripture, to act lovingly is to give the person whatever they *need*. 

When the son comes to the father, in Scripture, and asks for a fish… they get a fish. When Peter comes to Jesus and asks that He not go to the cross, Jesus says ‘Get thee behind me, Satan’. When the money changers sat doing their business in the temple, Jesus drove them out with whips. When the woman caught in adultery is brought to Jesus, He sends her out not to sin any more.

When a Godly husband asks his wife where she wants to go for dinner, it is not because he is ‘letting go of the reins’. It is because he has decided how best to love his wife. And, indeed, when she decides not to get the hot pink washer/dryer combination, it is because she loves her husband.

So I would encourage my audience to re-read Andrew’s post again, and wherever the word ‘compromise’ is used, to read it in this light: how should a Godly husband, and a Godly wife, exercise their very real authority in each of the areas of their life, with love toward their spouse and their children (I imagine most of the boys would also be appalled by the hot pink washer/dryer.  At least I hope they would be!)

We Christians need to remember that it is the God who created the world, which made Adam and Eve a garden. It is the God who put them in the garden that drove them out of the garden. It is the God who drove them out of the garden who gave them skins to wear. It is the God who gave them skins to wear who gave them a law to live by. And it is the God who saw our failure to live by the law, who sent His son to die for us on the cross.

And it is that Son Who represents the ‘husband’ to us; and we His redeemed who play the role of the ‘wife’. And it is that relationship that we are to echo in our own, Earthly, marriages.

Afterword

I’m having great fun, and think it is a good thing, that we are continuing our conversation. I encourage everyone to read the entire exchange:

What Is Marriage #1A (Dad Explains) Questions on what marriage is / How marriage has changed / Legal vs. Religious Questions

What Is Marriage #1B (Von) Asked and answered “Is Marriage Real?”

What Is Marriage #2A (Dad Explains) Expands on marriage being real within the framework of “names” or nomenclature.

What Is Marriage #2B (Von)  Marriage is a sexual union. That’s not all it is (by a long chalk), but that is its core.

What is Marriage #3A (Dad Explains) Asks the question, “Is marriage solely about children or are children a critical part of marriage itself?” and raises the spectre of infertile couples.

What is Marriage #3B (Von) “Marriage is… ordained by God for the purpose of producing a Godly seed…”

What is Marriage #4A (Dad Explains) Andrew summarizes a bunch of his thoughts and adds several aspects 

What is Marriage #4B (Von) Marriage is a covenant. Also, post more scripture!

What is Marriage #5A (Dad Explains) All about commitment.

What is Marriage #R1B (Von) A bit of a discursion deeper into covenant

What is Marriage #5B (Von) Marriage is Obedience.

What is Marriage #6A (Dad Explains) Artistic Compromise

I love comments, especially intelligent comments that disagree.