A Harsh Critique

So, here’s a trick. I’m going to write a harsh critique of a story on Substack, but I’m not going to say which one. I want the critique to be public, so people can see what I mean when I offer to give them a harsh critique (either in exchange or paid, whatever floats your boat.). But I don’t want the author to go to bed crying because everyone read all of the horrible harsh things I said about their story.

So, here goes… the critique of a story… without a link to the story.

Characters

OK, so the first thing that I have to say is that I don’t like any of the characters. Now that may be OK. It might be that the author was writing characters that they didn’t want anyone to like or, more likely, that they weren’t writing the kind of characters that I would like.

There were three characters in this story. We will call them A, B, and C. Of the three I liked C the most, but she seemed unrealistic in at least one way.

At the end of the story C interrupts A. The idea is that she really likes A and so, of course, she is always trying to be in his face and getting him to notice her. But in the story she interrupts him at a bad time. At a time where she ruins something he is doing.

That seems to me to be a bit incongruous. I would have thought that she would have been watching this man that she wanted to like her very carefully and looking for the perfect time to approach him.

(Unless it was a comedy, where you expect awkward interactions. This didn’t seem like a comedy.)

Then we have B. And I had to search really hard even to find her name, since she is a non-entity in the scene. The image that accompanies the scene seems to indicate she is modelling for him (which would make C’s actions even more incomprehensible) but I don’t get that feeling from the scene.

What I get from B is… nothing. A black hole of lack of personality, of action, of being.

And now, A. Why don’t I like A? Well, first of all because he seems broodingly inactive. I get the feeling that the only way he approaches B is with his pencils. He seems to lack courage.

And I also don’t like the way he deals with C. He leaves her ‘bereft’… but not having clarifies anything. The readers understand that he doesn’t like her bouncy personality or push-up bra, but A doesn’t seem to be able to communicate this clearly to C… leaving her… bereft.

Description

This author seems to excel at description. I would like to hire them to look over my work and help me describe rooms and people and, well, probably not people because I like my readers to fill them in themselves, but rooms and yards and views of planets in the sky.

Plot

But, you know, it would be nice if a little more happened. I came, I drew, I got interrupted, I left. I brooded a lot there in the middle, and I left a girl in tears. Yeah, I personally, like a little more in my plot. I’m not good at plot, myself, but I love reading good plots.

Now, it may be, I didn’t quite get what the author was trying to say, that this was a blip in the middle of some other plot. A stepping stone, as it were. A reveal of personality, perhaps?

Dialogue

I would like to see brighter dialogue. I love dialogue, and I would have liked to see more.

Writing

The writing flowed. There didn’t seem to be any odd grammar or misplaced words. I think she actually checked it a few times before hitting ‘post’ (unlike me).

Conclusion

If this scene is in the middle of an entire story, then pretty much everything that I wrote above would have to be evaluated in the light of what came before. Perhaps C doesn’t just wear a push-up bra, but is a habitual gossip who ruins the lives of those she works with. Perhaps A is so lost in himself and moody because his ex-wife, whom he loved deeply and was desperate to get back with, just died after a short bout with a painful cancer.

Perhaps B was literally being paid to just sit there and model, no talking allowed.

Perhaps. But in the case of a stand alone story, I stand by my harsh critique :)

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Thank you for reading Von’s Substack. I would love it if you commented! I love hearing from readers, especially critical comments. I would love to start more letter exchanges, so if there’s a subject you’re interested in, get writing and tag me!

Being ‘restacked’ and mentioned in ‘notes’ is very important for lesser-known stacks so… feel free! I’m semi-retired and write as a ministry (and for fun) so you don’t need to feel guilty you aren’t paying for anything, but if you enjoy my writing (even if you dramatically disagree with it), then restack, please! Or mention me in one of your own posts.

If I don’t write you back it is almost certain that I didn’t see it, so please feel free to comment and link to your post. Or if you just think I would be interested in your post!

If you get lost, check out my ‘Table of Contents’ which I try to keep up to date.

Von also writes as ‘Arthur Yeomans’. Under that name he writes children’s, YA, and adult fiction from a Christian perspective. His books include:

The Bobtails meet the Preacher’s Kid

The Bobtails and the Cousins

The Bobtails go to France

and

No Ordinary School

Arthur also has a substack, and a website.

Thanks again, God Bless, Soli Deo gloria,

Von

Links

Since the publication of this critique the author has requested that I go ahead and make the link to the actual story.

Kindling - The sketch