A Harsh Critique for James Kenwood

So, this is a harsh critique for a work of James Kenwood. The name of the work is a bit vulgar, so I won’t be posting it. And I will warn you before you read it :)

This is not a full post, it is not detailed, it is certainly not what I would do if I was really getting into someone’s work. It is a few harsh comments based on a quick read of the post. I had meant to publish this in time for this weeks ‘Sci-Friday Review’… but life happened. Like two and a half days out of town.

So, anyway, quick read, quick harsh critique:

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First thing, I moved it to Substack Reader to get rid of the dark background. It’s cool, but hard to read.

Second thing, I don’t like reading foul language, so I would probably have gone on once I read that. I get all of the ‘realistic’ etc arguments, but IMO you lose more readers than you gain.

“Plastic attack munitions'“? Seriously?? You couldn’t come up with something cooler than that??

Yo, dude, present tense or past tense, make up your mind!

»Frag out, frag out!” Frankie was screaming over the comms, throwing plastic attack munitions down the corridor as fast as he could. Shrapnel buzzed and blurred

(Was screaming: present continuous tense, buzzed and blurred, past tense. This could have read:

»Frag out, frag out!” Frankie was screaming over the comms, throwing plastic attack munitions down the corridor as fast as he could, while shrapnel buzzed and blurred…

The ‘while’ puts the whole sentence into the past, and thus makes the ‘screaming and buzzing’ happen at the same time as the ‘buzzed and blurred’.

Why would a bio bot have testicles? Just wondering.

There is a point where he hits ‘end-game mode’ and it sort off looks as if he is killing his teammates. A little correction might help, unless you want to leave that impression in until later.

So, conclusion. Overall, for what it was (not everyone’s cup of tea by a long chalk) it was very well done. I don’t think it would have worked nearly as well as part of a longer work, but it worked as kind of macabre funny little one of short story.

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Thank you for reading Von’s Substack. I would love it if you commented! I love hearing from readers, especially critical comments. I would love to start more letter exchanges, so if there’s a subject you’re interested in, get writing and tag me!

Being ‘restacked’ and mentioned in ‘notes’ is very important for lesser-known stacks so… feel free! I’m semi-retired and write as a ministry (and for fun) so you don’t need to feel guilty you aren’t paying for anything, but if you enjoy my writing (even if you dramatically disagree with it), then restack, please! Or mention me in one of your own posts.

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If you get lost, check out my ‘Table of Contents’ which I try to keep up to date.

Von also writes as ‘Arthur Yeomans’. Under that name he writes children’s, YA, and adult fiction from a Christian perspective. His books are published by Wise Path Books and include the children’s/YA books:

The Bobtails meet the Preacher’s Kid

The Bobtails and the Cousins

The Bobtails go to France

and

No Ordinary School

Aw well as GK Chesterton’s wonderful book, “What’s Wrong with the World”, for which ‘Arthur’ wrote most of the annotations.

Arthur also has a substack, and a website.

Thanks again, God Bless, Soli Deo gloria,

Von