A Harsh Critique: Synchronised Swimming
Ok, so this is a quick and short Harsh Critique for Synchronised Swimming, a story by
. One harsh thing about it is that I didn’t finish… having run into enough things in the first bits to make a good start, and to wait and see how these are received :)1) When beginning a chapter, especially in serial form, give the antecedents the first time the person/thing/event is mentioned. Thus:
>>“Logan! You’re okay?” she cries, squeezing the breath out of me, then pulls away. “Sorry,” she mumbles, grimacing while I rub my jaw. It’s already starting to swell.
should be:
>>“Logan! You’re okay?” Misty cries, squeezing the breath out of me, then pulls away. “Sorry,” _she_ mumbles, grimacing while I rub my jaw. It’s already starting to swell.
and
>>“Sorry? What’d you do that for anyway?” I ask, pushing myself up.
should be:
>>“Sorry? What’d you hit me so hard for anyway?” I ask, pushing myself up. (from the ground where she had knocked me)
Especially in serials you shouldn’t assume the readers read the prev chapter ten seconds ago.
2) This is a pet peeve of mine:
>>“You changed,” she says,
is right after the question:
>>What’d you do that for
and it either a) An answer I don’t understand. She hit him really hard because he changed? or
b) Not an answer.
Assuming it is (b), this kind of ‘starting another subject right after an answer’ can be really annoying if it isn’t done very intentionally. Like:
“What are you doing here?” Matt asked Julia.
Julia stared at him, “Your face! It’s got honey all over it!”
So she doesn’t answer his question because she is so shocked about the honey. Which involves shocked looks and exclamation marks, in my opinion. If not, either leave out the question, or give an answer and then change the subject.
“I just got too caught up in the moment,” she replied. “But… but you’ve changed! Your nose has gotten bigger!”
3) The last part of that answer is another pet peeve of mine. Merely saying ‘you’ve changed’ without any details gets old. Can she not give us something about how he has changed?
4) See previous comment for
>>“I’m Manorian. That happens.”
5) Wondering what this feeling feels like:
>>I felt you losing control.”
6) Not the way I would describe this:
>>she doesn’t want to be challenged.
She said something, he contradicted her. If she was his boss, or a teacher, this might be a ‘challenge’, but given their relationship this word doesn’t seem right. I think scipping to the later dialogue first might work here:
“You looked like you were…” etc
7) So, that line ‘You looked like…” how does that look, exactly? Can she give any details?
8) Ok, two things. Firstly, why does he have to catch her gaze? Is she distracted or something? Secondly, I think reverseing these two ideas works better:
>>“I control my energy, not the other way around,” I say, catching her gaze. “I was having fun. It’s—been a while.”
becomes
>>”I was having fun. It’s—been a while since I was really able to let myself go,” I say. “Don’t worry, I controle my energy, not the other way around.”
9) So, general comment. It goes from looked like to felt like to looked like to looked like… never with any details and always ‘looking like’ and ‘feeling’. Details would really help
10) POV violation, or he is a bit of an idiot:
>>“I looked like I was having a good time,” I correct
You don’t tell someone else what you looked like… you don’t see yourself. Better:
>>Well, regardless of what it looked like, I was having a really good time. reason, reason, explanation, description
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Von also writes as ‘Arthur Yeomans’. Under that name he writes children’s, YA, and adult fiction from a Christian perspective. His books include:
The Bobtails meet the Preacher’s Kid
and
Arthur also has a substack, and a website.
Thanks again, God Bless, Soli Deo gloria,
Von
Oh my. It seems I've a few blunders here. Helpful pointers, as usual. Thanks Von.