I'm not going to comment on typos unless they jump up and bite me (being far too prone to them myself), but the third paragraph (starting "Better you hurry" needs to have a quotation mark in front of it.
Nice description of the uniforms and dresses. And food.
Not much happens in this section, so there isn't a lot to comment on. I like the two young officers (much more than the lasses of the previous section).
You've set up a great hook for the story. I am curious about one thing. You've mentioned "Article 17" at least twice. What is the wording of this article and what is its purpose?
Well here’s the deal. If this was published as a full book, then you could immediately turn back to the appendix and look at it. But as I’m publishing is it as a serial, I haven’t decided to publish the appendix yet.
In the course of the story, my idea is that it’s supposed to sort of be a mystery with more and more hints until finally in a later chapter You actually get the text. But I must say I am wondering to what extent that works. Are people just going to be upset that they don’t know what it is or are they going to enjoy sort of reading along until they find out what it is?
You're right, a reader could turn into the appendix and read about it. But a really devoted reader won't. He'll go with the mystery. As long as you drop bits like breadcrumbs, it'll be okay. I like figuring things out from the story. I just said that I was curious.
I like the story so far and I'll read it to the end
Well you won’t read it to the end today unless you have me send it to you by email. Because it’s not all up yet today. In fact it’s not really all written I’m still sort of riding parts of it as I go.
I'm not going to comment on typos unless they jump up and bite me (being far too prone to them myself), but the third paragraph (starting "Better you hurry" needs to have a quotation mark in front of it.
Nice description of the uniforms and dresses. And food.
Not much happens in this section, so there isn't a lot to comment on. I like the two young officers (much more than the lasses of the previous section).
And enters the Hero!
You've set up a great hook for the story. I am curious about one thing. You've mentioned "Article 17" at least twice. What is the wording of this article and what is its purpose?
Well here’s the deal. If this was published as a full book, then you could immediately turn back to the appendix and look at it. But as I’m publishing is it as a serial, I haven’t decided to publish the appendix yet.
In the course of the story, my idea is that it’s supposed to sort of be a mystery with more and more hints until finally in a later chapter You actually get the text. But I must say I am wondering to what extent that works. Are people just going to be upset that they don’t know what it is or are they going to enjoy sort of reading along until they find out what it is?
You're right, a reader could turn into the appendix and read about it. But a really devoted reader won't. He'll go with the mystery. As long as you drop bits like breadcrumbs, it'll be okay. I like figuring things out from the story. I just said that I was curious.
I like the story so far and I'll read it to the end
Well you won’t read it to the end today unless you have me send it to you by email. Because it’s not all up yet today. In fact it’s not really all written I’m still sort of riding parts of it as I go.