Teaser: They told him there was no way to victory but by trampling everyone around him, but Colton is not convinced. On a planet of warriors, is there any other option?
Synopsis: The story follows the life of Colton Derak, a young man who is kidnapped from his home on earth and finds himself upon the planet of Vellatha. Here he is forced to become a warrior, and eventually he must compete in the Games, where he will have the chance to be crowned with honor and receive riches and power. But Colton is not so willing to conform to the life he is expected to live, and must decide whether to follow another path instead.
Christian themes: what real courage and nobility look like, manhood, loyalty
>.They told him there was no way to victory but by trampling everyone around him, but Colton is not convinced. On a planet of warriors, is there any other option?
What about...
Everyone said that victory only came from crushing your opponents, but Colton believed that [love/loyalty/whatever it is that the story will teach] was more powerful.
IE 'Everyone said' instead of 'They told him'. Him doesn't yet have an antecedent, which is awkward. Doable, but awkward. And 'everyone said' means that that was what the whole society said to everyone, not just him. And love/loyalty means that you get an actual theme out, insead of some vague 'other option'.
Now the teaser, to me, misses something that I think the story itself also misses. I would have thought something like, "Ripped from his world, his family, and all that he knew, Colton is thrust into a situation of unGodly conflict. Can he rise above the disaster that is his life?" etc ish.
IOW I am left reading your story still wondering about the backstory. I read a lot of 'ripped from their...' type stories, and I have come to expect some backstory, and some 'how did it happen' stuff.
So, the reason I was vague about the "other option" is so that I don't immediately answer the question at the heart of the story: how will Colton rise through the conflict/what will he use to do so? Also, it questions whether Colton will even resist the urge to become a heartless warrior like everyone else, or whether he will give in.
As far as the backstory, I explain that in chapter 1, and reference it several more times throughout the story. Though maybe I should include something about that in the teaser.
I agree about the wording being awkward. What if I change it to:
"Torn from his home, Colton was told there was no way to victory except by trampling everyone around him, but he is not convinced. On a planet of warriors, is there any other option?"
So why 'everyone around him'... and why is it just him? Does he need to trample the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker in order to rise? Or just a certain select set of people. And why should he want 'victory'?
I would encourage you to read a lot of teasers for books you like and see how they handle their tension. I will look back at Chapter one...
Ok, Chapter one... The first hint we have of his transportation is...
"This is your welcome to Vellatha, and no other fate is an option. Here your choice is between greatness and death, between skill and failure. The one comes by submission and willingness to learn, the other by foolishness and disobedience.”
“In my own world it is not so,” Colton said. “Upon earth men are free to choose their own lives for themselves.”
Now I don't know how many 'transported to another world' books you have read, but this is pretty slim pickings. Narnia... a few chapters in pretty much every book before you get 'transported to another world'.
Yes, this is where I first mention that he is from another world. But a couple pages later, I explain a flashback from when he is kidnapped:
"About a week ago, he had been sound asleep in his own bed, in his own apartment, on an entirely different planet... Colton’s life had disappeared overnight. He had awoken to men standing over his bed, and they had seized him before he could make any sense of what was happening. He lived on the ground floor, at the back of his neighborhood, making him a target achieved more for convenience than any qualities he might have. Behind the apartment building was a barren field, to which they had dragged him..."
Well, yeah, but that means the entire thing that we find about his old life is “he had been sound asleep” that really doesn’t give us any kind of feeling for the character.
Well, I left out part of it, for simplicity's sake:
"Colton lay in bed that night wide awake. About a week ago, he had been sound asleep in his own bed, in his own apartment, on an entirely different planet. He had been a dreamer all his life—always imagining new experiences, always hoping for some dramatic change to grant him a new life—but never had he expected this. He had hoped for a chance to save the world, perhaps rescue some innocent girl from a kidnapper, at the very least make a couple headlines—something like “Young Man Takes Down Thief at Local Store.” And his life had changed. But instead of being accompanied by eager fans, or even a pretty girl, he was surrounded by snoring, smelly, men, sleeping in their own filth without a thought for anyone but themselves."
This is the most I explain at one point, though I add stuff relating to his past on earth and him being torn between the two planets further on. I didn't really want him to have too much lasting attachment to earth so that he can legitimately decide which world he'd rather be in (though that comes towards the end of the book).
Things we usually learn about the character BEFORE they are transported (altho this can be in a flashback toward the beginning of the storey):
Their name
Their gender
Their job/role in life (student, construction worker)
Their significant relationships or lack thereof (wife, kids, friends, co workers, boss, teacher)
The state their life was in before they were taken
Something a bit spooking or surprising
Do that for 'The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe'. We know all of that about Lucy et all even before she goes through the first time, and we get more 'surprising' before they all end up in Narnia.
Now you don't have to have this... but it really helps develop our caring for your character. Suppose this guy had a wife who he loved, three kids, and had just been fired from his job... versus if he was a guy that had gotten out of the army, divorce, no kids, was hitchiking around nowhere. Those are VERY different, and would make us feel very differently about the character.
Yeah, I definitely get where you're coming from. These are some good points. The more we know about a character's life before, the more it hurts when they're torn from all of that (assuming it was mostly good). But part of the point in the book is that Colton is still rather young and very impressionable. He hasn't entirely figured out what he wants to do with his life, even when he was one earth. Maybe I should add some stuff here and there to make this a little clearer, or put in an opening chapter to explain his life on earth.
Teaser: He woke up with no memories and wrapped up in a war for freedom. But there is more to him than meets the eye.
Synopsis: A millennia after the Holy Kingdom of Santara was no more, the Sons of Yakob are now ruled by distant Tionghoa. The wandering tactician Yu woke up with no memory, only to be rescued from his captors by King Aron of Dun-a-din, the last heir to the priest kings. From there, he was wrapped up in a war for freedom, but there’s more to the Padri War than meets the eye.
Christian themes: Just war, racism and ethnic hatred (from a Christian perspective), forgiveness, salvation.
Synopsis: Two murders and all changes in Valhol. It takes the murder of his children for Hroðgar to turn on his liege-lord and to see him and the man’s sons’ for what they are. What ensues is a blood-feud that will take Hroðgar and his last remaining son Sigewulf from the frozen wasteland of Valhol, to Bretwealda in the west, and from safety into blood-soaked fields.
Christian Themes: Redemption, the importance of masculine role-models, the bond between a father and a son, and the power of love, Truth and justice.
Title: War-Torn
Genre: medieval fantasy/sci-fi
State: partially published
Teaser: They told him there was no way to victory but by trampling everyone around him, but Colton is not convinced. On a planet of warriors, is there any other option?
Synopsis: The story follows the life of Colton Derak, a young man who is kidnapped from his home on earth and finds himself upon the planet of Vellatha. Here he is forced to become a warrior, and eventually he must compete in the Games, where he will have the chance to be crowned with honor and receive riches and power. But Colton is not so willing to conform to the life he is expected to live, and must decide whether to follow another path instead.
Christian themes: what real courage and nobility look like, manhood, loyalty
Tis up, check it.
Ok, so been thinking about your teaser:
>.They told him there was no way to victory but by trampling everyone around him, but Colton is not convinced. On a planet of warriors, is there any other option?
What about...
Everyone said that victory only came from crushing your opponents, but Colton believed that [love/loyalty/whatever it is that the story will teach] was more powerful.
IE 'Everyone said' instead of 'They told him'. Him doesn't yet have an antecedent, which is awkward. Doable, but awkward. And 'everyone said' means that that was what the whole society said to everyone, not just him. And love/loyalty means that you get an actual theme out, insead of some vague 'other option'.
Now the teaser, to me, misses something that I think the story itself also misses. I would have thought something like, "Ripped from his world, his family, and all that he knew, Colton is thrust into a situation of unGodly conflict. Can he rise above the disaster that is his life?" etc ish.
IOW I am left reading your story still wondering about the backstory. I read a lot of 'ripped from their...' type stories, and I have come to expect some backstory, and some 'how did it happen' stuff.
So, the reason I was vague about the "other option" is so that I don't immediately answer the question at the heart of the story: how will Colton rise through the conflict/what will he use to do so? Also, it questions whether Colton will even resist the urge to become a heartless warrior like everyone else, or whether he will give in.
As far as the backstory, I explain that in chapter 1, and reference it several more times throughout the story. Though maybe I should include something about that in the teaser.
I agree about the wording being awkward. What if I change it to:
"Torn from his home, Colton was told there was no way to victory except by trampling everyone around him, but he is not convinced. On a planet of warriors, is there any other option?"
So why 'everyone around him'... and why is it just him? Does he need to trample the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker in order to rise? Or just a certain select set of people. And why should he want 'victory'?
I would encourage you to read a lot of teasers for books you like and see how they handle their tension. I will look back at Chapter one...
Ok, Chapter one... The first hint we have of his transportation is...
"This is your welcome to Vellatha, and no other fate is an option. Here your choice is between greatness and death, between skill and failure. The one comes by submission and willingness to learn, the other by foolishness and disobedience.”
“In my own world it is not so,” Colton said. “Upon earth men are free to choose their own lives for themselves.”
Now I don't know how many 'transported to another world' books you have read, but this is pretty slim pickings. Narnia... a few chapters in pretty much every book before you get 'transported to another world'.
Yes, this is where I first mention that he is from another world. But a couple pages later, I explain a flashback from when he is kidnapped:
"About a week ago, he had been sound asleep in his own bed, in his own apartment, on an entirely different planet... Colton’s life had disappeared overnight. He had awoken to men standing over his bed, and they had seized him before he could make any sense of what was happening. He lived on the ground floor, at the back of his neighborhood, making him a target achieved more for convenience than any qualities he might have. Behind the apartment building was a barren field, to which they had dragged him..."
And I continue explaining from there.
Well, yeah, but that means the entire thing that we find about his old life is “he had been sound asleep” that really doesn’t give us any kind of feeling for the character.
Well, I left out part of it, for simplicity's sake:
"Colton lay in bed that night wide awake. About a week ago, he had been sound asleep in his own bed, in his own apartment, on an entirely different planet. He had been a dreamer all his life—always imagining new experiences, always hoping for some dramatic change to grant him a new life—but never had he expected this. He had hoped for a chance to save the world, perhaps rescue some innocent girl from a kidnapper, at the very least make a couple headlines—something like “Young Man Takes Down Thief at Local Store.” And his life had changed. But instead of being accompanied by eager fans, or even a pretty girl, he was surrounded by snoring, smelly, men, sleeping in their own filth without a thought for anyone but themselves."
This is the most I explain at one point, though I add stuff relating to his past on earth and him being torn between the two planets further on. I didn't really want him to have too much lasting attachment to earth so that he can legitimately decide which world he'd rather be in (though that comes towards the end of the book).
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TrappedInAnotherWorld
Things we usually learn about the character BEFORE they are transported (altho this can be in a flashback toward the beginning of the storey):
Their name
Their gender
Their job/role in life (student, construction worker)
Their significant relationships or lack thereof (wife, kids, friends, co workers, boss, teacher)
The state their life was in before they were taken
Something a bit spooking or surprising
Do that for 'The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe'. We know all of that about Lucy et all even before she goes through the first time, and we get more 'surprising' before they all end up in Narnia.
Now you don't have to have this... but it really helps develop our caring for your character. Suppose this guy had a wife who he loved, three kids, and had just been fired from his job... versus if he was a guy that had gotten out of the army, divorce, no kids, was hitchiking around nowhere. Those are VERY different, and would make us feel very differently about the character.
Yeah, I definitely get where you're coming from. These are some good points. The more we know about a character's life before, the more it hurts when they're torn from all of that (assuming it was mostly good). But part of the point in the book is that Colton is still rather young and very impressionable. He hasn't entirely figured out what he wants to do with his life, even when he was one earth. Maybe I should add some stuff here and there to make this a little clearer, or put in an opening chapter to explain his life on earth.
Here's mine:
Title: The Santara Commentaries
Genre: Fantasy, Military Fantasy
State: Serial on Substack (and Royal Road)
Teaser: He woke up with no memories and wrapped up in a war for freedom. But there is more to him than meets the eye.
Synopsis: A millennia after the Holy Kingdom of Santara was no more, the Sons of Yakob are now ruled by distant Tionghoa. The wandering tactician Yu woke up with no memory, only to be rescued from his captors by King Aron of Dun-a-din, the last heir to the priest kings. From there, he was wrapped up in a war for freedom, but there’s more to the Padri War than meets the eye.
Christian themes: Just war, racism and ethnic hatred (from a Christian perspective), forgiveness, salvation.
Title: Bear & Cub
Genre: Medieval Fantasy
State: In Progress
Synopsis: Two murders and all changes in Valhol. It takes the murder of his children for Hroðgar to turn on his liege-lord and to see him and the man’s sons’ for what they are. What ensues is a blood-feud that will take Hroðgar and his last remaining son Sigewulf from the frozen wasteland of Valhol, to Bretwealda in the west, and from safety into blood-soaked fields.
Christian Themes: Redemption, the importance of masculine role-models, the bond between a father and a son, and the power of love, Truth and justice.
Link; https://canadianculturecorner.substack.com/p/bear-and-cub-table-of-contents