Lorcan stared curiously out the window as the carriage bumped along the cobblestones, his chin barely clearing the sill. There were littlies and lads and lasses playing all along the side of the street, and in the various alleys that they passed. A few of them stared curiously back at him, and he wondered if their class ever got to ride in a nice carriage like this one.
The carriage stopped, held up by traffic, and Lorcan watched a group of lasses, their colourful skirts flying and their bare feet slapping as they jumped in and out of a large swirling rope, chanting together.
“Two for the Army
Two for the Navy
One for the Elders
Two for the Clan,”
Always steady,
Always ready,
Always watching
Is the clan
Moving upward
Moving outward
Keep it moving
With the clan
“What does that mean, Mummy?” Lorcan asked.
His mother patted him on the head. “Nothing you have to worry about for a few years,” she said.
“I do wish the street class wouldn’t let their young ones natter on about clan business in front of everyone. I suppose I am glad they are teaching it, though. Good for them to learn their obligations early.”
He peered outside again. “They are Janleen clan, Mommy?” he asked. “Our same clan?”
“Some of them, no doubt, dear, if they know that poem.”
“But what does the poem mean?” He insisted. No one ever really told him anything.
“One day your father and uncles will call you to a meeting, and they will explain the whole thing then, dear.”
Lorcan, disappointed, turned back to the window, quickly becoming reconciled at the view of three lads, wrestling in the mud…
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Von
Class tensions always make for compelling stories! You have some lovely visual texture and a clean rhythm to your prose. I realise this is from a long time ago, but some quick tweaks might help things run much smoother:
1 - Be careful with dialogue rules. You are getting a bit muddled with capitalisation and punctuation. For instance:
'His mother patted him on the head, “Nothing you have to worry about for a few years,” she said.'
If you wanted to keep the same split, it should be:
'His mother patted him on the head. "Nothing you have to worry about for a few years," she said.'
and
'He peered outside again, “They are Janleen clan, Mommy?” He asked. “Our same clan?”'
Should be:
'He peered outside again. "They are Janleen clan, Mommy?" he asked. "Our same clan?"
2 - You use 'colourful' early in the story but then refer to the mother as 'Mommy'. It's best to choose either American English or British English and remain within one for consistency. Exceptions for this are very rare.
3 - Just a word leftover that must be trimmed:
'“Good for their them to know learn obligations early”'
4 - There's some repetition that bogs down your prose. I won't list them all, but for instance, in the opening paragraph:
"littlies and lads and lasses"
Really you have told me that there are children and young boys and young girls. All I need is 'littlies' or 'lads and lasses', not both.
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It's already set a lot of the world's tradition, tensions, and its technological/cultural era, so I'm sure it was fun to continue into a serial.