Class tensions always make for compelling stories! You have some lovely visual texture and a clean rhythm to your prose. I realise this is from a long time ago, but some quick tweaks might help things run much smoother:
1 - Be careful with dialogue rules. You are getting a bit muddled with capitalisation and punctuation. For instance:
'His mother patted him on the head, “Nothing you have to worry about for a few years,” she said.'
If you wanted to keep the same split, it should be:
'His mother patted him on the head. "Nothing you have to worry about for a few years," she said.'
and
'He peered outside again, “They are Janleen clan, Mommy?” He asked. “Our same clan?”'
Should be:
'He peered outside again. "They are Janleen clan, Mommy?" he asked. "Our same clan?"
2 - You use 'colourful' early in the story but then refer to the mother as 'Mommy'. It's best to choose either American English or British English and remain within one for consistency. Exceptions for this are very rare.
3 - Just a word leftover that must be trimmed:
'“Good for their them to know learn obligations early”'
4 - There's some repetition that bogs down your prose. I won't list them all, but for instance, in the opening paragraph:
"littlies and lads and lasses"
Really you have told me that there are children and young boys and young girls. All I need is 'littlies' or 'lads and lasses', not both.
---
It's already set a lot of the world's tradition, tensions, and its technological/cultural era, so I'm sure it was fun to continue into a serial.
Thanks for the comments. Yes, the serial is still very much ongoing.
As for the littlies, lads, and lasses, that is actually in world classifications: littlies being toddlers and below, lads and lasses meaning older.
As for the British... sigh. I have my spell checker set to British English, because I like to write hist fict. My brain is permanently confused, since I love reading British literature and yet grew up American.
Hope you enjoy the rest of the story, and love your comments!!
Class tensions always make for compelling stories! You have some lovely visual texture and a clean rhythm to your prose. I realise this is from a long time ago, but some quick tweaks might help things run much smoother:
1 - Be careful with dialogue rules. You are getting a bit muddled with capitalisation and punctuation. For instance:
'His mother patted him on the head, “Nothing you have to worry about for a few years,” she said.'
If you wanted to keep the same split, it should be:
'His mother patted him on the head. "Nothing you have to worry about for a few years," she said.'
and
'He peered outside again, “They are Janleen clan, Mommy?” He asked. “Our same clan?”'
Should be:
'He peered outside again. "They are Janleen clan, Mommy?" he asked. "Our same clan?"
2 - You use 'colourful' early in the story but then refer to the mother as 'Mommy'. It's best to choose either American English or British English and remain within one for consistency. Exceptions for this are very rare.
3 - Just a word leftover that must be trimmed:
'“Good for their them to know learn obligations early”'
4 - There's some repetition that bogs down your prose. I won't list them all, but for instance, in the opening paragraph:
"littlies and lads and lasses"
Really you have told me that there are children and young boys and young girls. All I need is 'littlies' or 'lads and lasses', not both.
---
It's already set a lot of the world's tradition, tensions, and its technological/cultural era, so I'm sure it was fun to continue into a serial.
Thanks for the comments. Yes, the serial is still very much ongoing.
As for the littlies, lads, and lasses, that is actually in world classifications: littlies being toddlers and below, lads and lasses meaning older.
As for the British... sigh. I have my spell checker set to British English, because I like to write hist fict. My brain is permanently confused, since I love reading British literature and yet grew up American.
Hope you enjoy the rest of the story, and love your comments!!