Dating is a Bad Path to Marriage. That’s my theory, and so far I’m sticking to it. Over the last hundred years or so, the modern path to marriage has gotten worse and worse. We are getting fewer people married, the marriages aren’t lasting, we’re having more children out of wedlock, we’re proposing bizarre ideas for what marriage is… we are a mess.
Marco has posted his second post in our ‘Dating and Marriage’ letter exchange. In it he decries the focus on better definitions, wonders if we have reached some kind of agreement, and argues we shouldn’t let the perfect get in the way of the good. So those are the subjects of this post, and we’ll see how far we get.
What Price Definitions?
Personally, I think that definitions are primary to debate. And not just debate, but all profitable discussion. But there are certainly other options. One of them is… Alternatives.
If someone were to say, "I think you should buy a truck instead of a car," It might be good to define truck and car in order to have a fruitful discussion. But it would also be possible to propose alternatives. To say,"I think you should buy a good quality used 150 instead of a new civic." And then discuss all the benefits and drawbacks to both alternatives. Low mileage, carrying capacity, all could be discussed.
So I am going to shift gears and go that route. In discussing why dating is a very bad path to marriage, I am going to propose alternatives.
Computer matchups
For my first alternative, I am going to discuss a computer matchup system. I love writing science fiction so I'm going to propose a computer matchup system for some faraway colony.
Now, my goal for all of these alternatives is ‘marriage’. And by that I mean young marriages, marriages that last, and marriages that produce lots of children. If those aren’t your goals, then I don’t really care what system you use.
For my computer matchup system I will require all boys and girls, right before they reach the age where it would be appropriate for them to marry, to sit down and answer a thousand questions or so. That, along with the results from genetic testing and the like, will be fed into some big computer system. Then, on their matchup day, they get their results, meet up, share some words in front of family and friends, a first kiss, and off to the honeymoon.
The computer then keeps track, and, if children don’t come along at the appropriate intervals, they are called in for medical exams or judicial counselling and punishment.
Issues Addressed
Obligatory. Unlike dating, in this system marriage, and having children, is obligatory.
Quick: Unlike dating, this system produces very quick marriages.
Unchosen: Unlike dating, this system does not give people the illusion of ‘choice’ in their spouse.
Tax System
For my second alternative I’m going to invoke one of the universes most powerful forces… the IRS. (Or your local alternative.) I’m going to propose… changes in the tax code!
I don’t have details, but these changes will, at least:
Penalize:
Being unmarried
Being childless
Divorce
Reward:
Being married
Having children
Years of marriage
There. I’ll let greed take care of the problem for me. If I don’t get enough marriages fast enough, I’ll just up the ante… increase the rewards and punishments.
Issues Addressed
Promotes early marriage and children: unlike dating this system rewards marriage, and penalises not being married, ditto children.
Quick: Unlike dating this system will tend toward acting quickly, since every year that goes by is expensive.
Social Pressure
Here’s an old tried and true system… nagging. Or, in long form ‘social pressure’. Back in the day (and still in many places today) unmarried people were… nagged at.
I haven’t fully fleshed this system out, but surely there is a grandmother around, or a Jane Austen book, that could help fill in the details!
Issues Addressed
1: Penalties and rewards: This system will produce a whole range of penalties and rewards.
Personal: Unlike dating, this system involves lots of knowledgable people working on behalf of marriage.
Better than what we have
My point in proposing these alternatives is… they are better than what we are doing.
On this Earth, Perfect is the enemy of good.
Marco Fioretti
Our current system isn’t ‘the good’ against which I am proposing ‘the perfect’. Our current system is ‘the bad’ against which almost anything is better. Indeed we have done better for thousands of years.
Why is it bad?
Dating as a system takes far, far too long to produce a marriage. In what other area of life would we think that delay acceptable? Hiring? It only takes a few minutes to conceive a child, and only nine months to give birth to her, but this crazy dating stuff often takes years.
Dating as a system results in far, far too few marriages. Marriage and the family it produces, is the bedrock to any functioning society. We cannot afford such a poorly functioning system to get there.
Dating as a system is producing bad marriages, with frequent divorce. Our society cannot afford so many cracks in the system.
Dating as a system produces far too few children. Children born legitimately in wedlock, that is. This is both because of the above reasons, but also because it is so ‘me’ focused as a system that it takes away from the ‘other’ goals of marriage.
Dating as a system encourages perversions. If you can ‘date who you like’, then it easily follows that ‘who you like’ can be, well, anyone.
Family Jurisdiction
My actual proposal would be one which worked for thousands of years. It would be to remove the institution of marriage completely from the state, the church, and the individual and put it back where it historically (and Biblically) belongs… in the family jurisdiction.
Marco actually hints at this in his first post, the one that started all of this. He has the parents speed-dating each other. I don’t think that is the best method, myself but its a step in the right direction.
Links
And God Brought the Woman
So, Marco Fioretti has decided to jump into the ‘Letter Exchange’ thing with me. He writes: About 3 months ago, I published some "Thoughts and tips on the State of Dating". Later, the author of Von's Substack , after sharing the general concept of letter exchanges in a Substack forum,
Contract Marriage Intro
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
What is Marriage #1B
So, this is my first letter in this ‘letter exchange’ substack article series. I encourage you all to read what Andrew wrote in his first post, laying out the format and everything. He’s definitely a better formatter of Substacks than I am. In his letter he lays out a bunch of questions and thoughts about what marriage is, dealing with both historical is…
Hi Von, with apologies for this late answer. Lots to ponder there. Right now, I only have the time to comment on your final observation:
You propose to "remove the institution of marriage completely from the state, the church, and the individual and put it back where it historically (and Biblically) belongs… in the family jurisdiction."
and then note:
"Marco actually hints at this in his first post, the one that started all of this. He has the parents speed-dating each other. I don’t think that is the best method, myself but its a step in the right direction."
I too surely don't think it's the best method. I am not even sure it would be a step in the right direction. All I can say is that "tech-first" solutions are getting worse and worse, the last example I've seen is this: https://bronwynwilliams.substack.com/p/as-if-digital-dating-could-get-any