The Oort Cloud: A Harsh Critique
The following Harsh Critique is for the story, “The Prophet”, by
, on his stack “The Oort Cloud”. It was written after a brief exchange, and by request. It is a partial review, not the kind of full review I might do in exchange or for money :)Some Specific Comments
It might be your intention, but the tone of this sentence seems out of touch with the previous sentences:
Sadly, he had a new truth thrust upon him, which caused him to reevaluate the religious significance of the rings.
Indeed I think that it would work best if it was detached from the previous paragraph and added to the next one, thus:
Sadly, he had a new truth thrust upon him, which caused him to reevaluate the religious significance of the rings. Now he believed in something else and had told others about his truth, so he had to die!
As well the words ‘thrust upon him’ give a very odd flavour. I’m not sure how metaphorically to take them. Did something ‘thrust’ itself at him? Or did he come to some realisation by himself? Try as I might I can’t seem to find the answer to this. How did he come upon this new knowledge?
This sentence seems like it would be better if it was reorganised:
Belin never intended to become a prophet, and, as was his notional understanding of the nature of prophecy, this was the same for all prophets.
Thus
Belin, like all prophets, at least as he understood it, never intended to become a prophet.
This is an odd transition:
Belin sought other prophets to share notes with, to find guidance and maybe even a way out. But right from the start, all he saw was death.
It leaves me wondering what happened when he tried to talk to these other prophets. Could he not find them because they were all dead? Did they just mumble, “Death, death,” to him?
Ok, this paragraph makes no sense in light of the previous ones:
His brother, of course, had tried to kill him immediately. The result of a non-conformist spiritual revelation during a wedding instigated the immediate annulment of the marriage. Followed quickly, as was the custom, by the death of the bride and her family and the banishment of the unfortunate prophet by the Royal Ring Regiment, a zealot sect within the Or military charged with the defence of the one true Religion. As is always the case with defending a religion, this is done simply by exterminating any other ideas, philosophies, prophets and gods that are foolish enough to make an appearance.
The previous paragraph gives the idea that he had this spiritual revelation, then he wandered off and tried to find some prophets, talked to them for a while, got this ‘death impression’, etc.
And then we find out that the wedding devolved into people trying to kill each other and then being dragged off to the firing squad.
And I’m not a big fan of a lot of emotion… but there would seem to need a bit of horror and guilt at this point.
You read on, of course, and you get that, or more of that anyway. But put this way in the beginning it seems very odd.
Some General Comments
So, the overall tone and format was… weird. Now, I think that was done intentionally. I think that was kind of the point. The problem, obviously, is that your head starts to swim if it isn’t done really, really, well.
And there are a lot of flashbacks, and flashforwards, and flash sidewayses. And that, too, makes sense. But the combination of the two, for me at least, leads to something that is hard to read and harder to understand.
Indeed that would be my general comment: that it was hard to read. Not like emotionally hard, but mentally hard. It was hard to follow what was going on, to whom, when, and why.
It was also emotionally hard. Depressing. Which some people like, I guess.
I would ask… who is your favourite Sci-Fi writer? Who do you wish to be like?
Conclusion
The conclusion of the story is… disappointing. I mean, I think intentionally. We have had all sorts of hopes built up during the story, and even in the immediate bit of the story just prior to the conclusion and then, squish, the story is squashed.
There is a pretty standard trope at the end, that of the sudden reveal of human vs alien, but that still doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. If it is fun. And I didn’t find the crushing (literally) of the entire story plot very entertaining.
And I was left with a thousand questions about what on Earth (well, not on Earth, but you get my point) actually happened!!
Thank you for reading Von’s Substack. I would love it if you commented! I love hearing from readers, especially critical comments. I would love to start more letter exchanges, so if there’s a subject you’re interested in, get writing and tag me!
Being ‘restacked’ and mentioned in ‘notes’ is very important for lesser-known stacks so… feel free! I’m semi-retired and write as a ministry (and for fun) so you don’t need to feel guilty you aren’t paying for anything, but if you enjoy my writing (even if you dramatically disagree with it), then restack, please! Or mention me in one of your own posts.
If I don’t write you back it is almost certain that I didn’t see it, so please feel free to comment and link to your post. Or if you just think I would be interested in your post!
If you get lost, check out my ‘Table of Contents’ which I try to keep up to date.
Von also writes as ‘Arthur Yeomans’. Under that name he writes children’s, YA, and adult fiction from a Christian perspective. His books are published by Wise Path Books and include:
The Bobtails meet the Preacher’s Kid
and
Soon to be coming out is GK Chesterton’s wonderful book, “What’s Wrong with the World”, for which ‘Arthur’ wrote most of the annotations.
Arthur also has a substack, and a website.
Thanks again, God Bless, Soli Deo gloria,
Von
Links
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A Harsh Critique: Synchronised Swimming
Ok, so this is a quick and short Harsh Critique for Synchronised Swimming, a story by Jenny Homan . One harsh thing about it is that I didn’t finish… having run into enough things in the first bits to make a good start, and to wait and see how these are received :)
Harsh Critique: The Founder's Chosen: Sequence
So I named my Sci-Friday posts ‘review posts’. What I meant was that I was going to look at everything published and put it in a list. What some people seem to think I meant was that I was going to be busy reading other’s stories and writing reviews.
Not a Harsh Review
Ok, here’s the deal. When someone puts forward a serious story, a story seriously, it needs a harsh review. They want to get better, one assumes.
However, when someone posts something just for fun… all it needs is a bit of comment and congratulation.
So this ‘scene’ is a wonderful take, or example, or spoof of a college handbook. It is all about some class… at an alien school. A school that doesn’t hold Earth Humans in very high regard.
